Talk about uncertainty. I have about 10 free days from one job to the next. When leaving your job, everyone always seems to ask when the next job begins and what you’re gonna do with that time in between. I alternate between the two most common answers: 1. Doing everything I wish I could do on a normal day that isn’t usually critical and 2. utterly comfortable relaxing rest. This isn’t a post with a happy resolve unfortunately. #Struggle.
For the past few years, I’ve always had a schedule – a plan to use my time effectively and efficiently. Free time = time to study for some test, plan a holiday, or design something. That said, I usually spend my time dealing with the guilt of procrastination and rationalizing my uselessness and sleepiness (I blame weather). With 10 days in between jobs I find myself in a weird tension in several aspects of life, what do I do?
Recollection or Projection
With one job out the window and another job coming, I feel the need to look back and reflect on the learning points, but I also feel the need to start dreaming, setting goals and learning stuff. In fact, it’s more than just a job, it’s an entire phase of life I feel like I’m stepping out of. My decisions were very much the result of what I could do in life but now my decisions are more about what I would like my life to be about. Idealistic and grand I know, but I need to remind myself or why I stepped out of my comfort zone.
Ironically, this Sunday’s theme is about living in the present, not the past, the future, but the now, and if I classified all my thoughts, there aren’t very much about how I feel now.
Skill or Knowledge
I have recently been feeling this need to deep dive more into faith, to understand the depths of theology and learn the rich histories of people and places. How can I be an effective witness if I am not sure of what has shaped me? Yet, at work, I’ve grown so accustomed to learning ‘more practical’ skills like operating new software, team management, Systems and structures help us communicate better and ensure sustainability. All of which are really useful in moving forward, but what do I invest in?
I’ve tried looking at my to-do list and tried to rank them based on importance and necessity. To be honest, nothing really jumped out at me because life would still go on without all this. I picked some tasks which piqued my interests more than others but the enthusiasm has quickly faded. I don’t think I’m really asking God.
Structure or freeform
Another silly thing I’m struggling with is this idea of a schedule and also allowing the space to be spontaneous. On one hand I feel like a schedule will push me off the lazy bed, but it might stifle me and kill the interest. On the other hand, I feel like spontaneity will give me the chance to be excited and ride on adrenaline but it might also leave me directionless and confused.
In the attempt to try something different, I decided to leave my times wide open so God may prompt appropriately, but I’m spending a lot of it sleeping (I blame the weather!) and doing things out of guilt so I don’t feel bad when I recount my day to Shaun.
God or what?
I was closing my prayer one day and stopped abruptly just as I was forming the words in my mind, Who am I talking to?! Father, saviour, boyfriend, creator, lover, spirit, husband? What are we? This sounds like… “the talk”, you know the one where a relationship just isn’t what it was previously defined as and has changed so much that we need to redefine this relationship AGAIN?
I just didn’t know how to address God, or even what to say to him. What a mess. I sighed and left the adoration room knowing this was not going to resolve that night. There are many dimensions to God but some times.. it’s a little overwhelming.
While sharing these struggles the past few days, I found myself tearing up a little, perhaps revealing how lost and confused I truly am. I don’t feel proud of how I’ve spent my last 4 days. I walked down to the dining area one day and saw my niece wailing and crying uncontrollably because her brother had snatched his toy away from her. I – I haven’t cried like that in so long, I don’t think she even knew what she was crying about after 2minutes of sniffing her mucus back into her nose. I think I might have been ‘crying’ the past few days but I don’t even really know what I’m crying about.
I’m a little distracted and lost, just bummed that I don’t have it all together really. I thank God for revealing to me so many options on how to move forward in life, how I can build his kingdom. It really is a joy to feel like I am actually called to something in life and not just going with the flow, not knowing where I’m going to end up.
This verse has been a comfort in my prayer times recently, it feels like it will also be the cornerstone of my vocation as someone wanting to tell stories through new media. I should probably spend a lot more time on it. It reminds me that regardless of what I am doing each day, I still need to strive for this, I still need to fight my selfishness, I still need to love others, be it attempting to paint, sleeping or blogging. 1Cor14.
Looking at this painting actually is reminding me more and more that I should focus on the things that I will really strive to do well in, instead of doing everything. To even blog while things aren’t at a happy resolve is itself not how I would ideally want to portray myself but all this unfiltered mess and ugliness is a reminder that I really need God.
“Set your hearts on his kingdom first, and on his righteousness, and all these things will be given you as well. So do not worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.” Matt 6:33-34