When attached, on in my case married, Valentine’s day pales in comparison to anniversaries or birthdays. I never celebrate Valentine’s, but it has infiltrated our marketing space enough for there to be a general sentiment of love and togetherness today.
I am guilty of not being very single, not that I actively pursued it but that was just how it happened. So I’m no expert on how to catch fish, I more familiar with the skill of scaling and cooking the fish, haha.
This Valentine’s, I find myself questioning the person that I have become after 11 valentine’s days I’ve been through attached (or questionably attached). And like a delicious box of royce chocolate, I find myself tasting the bittersweetness of the cocoa powder and reminiscing my many boxes and how my tastes have changed.
In my first ‘relationship’, I learnt that I am not an answer to another person’s needs. ‘I need you’ is not the same as or similar to ‘I love you’.
We depended on each other for affirmation and affection, basically fulfilling our individual desires to be wanted by someone else. “I need you to distract me from being sad, I need you to make me feel like I am worthwhile in this world, I need you to need me.” It was hard for him to let go as it was for me, but time made it clear that we both were not in the state to always meet the needs of the other; No person will ever be able to perfectly do that. Well, only God.
In the next, I learnt that for a relationship that looks toward marriage, it goes beyond just having similar approaches to life and shared values, we needed to believe in the same mission. We worked great, we weren’t as needy and respected that space of growth for the other person. “I desire the best for you and would want you to be happy.”
Wishing the best for the person as we all know from romance films is never enough because “if you love them you’ll let them go”. We couldn’t envision a full and exciting life together, we didn’t know how to build each other up, it was going to be good, but not great. I could live it but I didn’t want to fight for it. We both let go grudgingly, but time made it clear that it wasn’t the best path for either one of us; No person will ever be able to show me the way. Well, only God.
In the last, I am learning the meaning of a loving commitment that fuels our dreams individually and separately. Some days he’s endearing, some days he’s irritating, but all days he is human, and so am I.
There’s a stability I can’t explain, because most days we are uncertain of our future – I fight for(and blog about) it on clear days and hide under a rock when I’m afraid. We’re both gambled with our lives and only time will tell what risky adventure we are headed to next; No person will ever tell me what’s going to happen. Well, only God.
It’s always interesting to look back and see what we’ve learnt, how we’ve changed and what our priorities have become. Your journey was probably radically different from mine but with each relationship, however defined or short or silly it may be, we continue to learn to love better, with a little help from God.
Mix in the cocoa!