Asked God how much you’ve grown lately?

When I asked him a couple weeks ago, that’s the only word I got. MEDIOCRE. And it’s slightly depressing when you put your heart and soul into something and it doesn’t pay off. What a wet blanket God is.

Usually, I write Facebook notes if I feel very strongly about it (otherwise it just goes to the blog as chronicled nonsense), they are markers in my faith life, mini turning points! So imagine rereading about your feelings in your most powerful moments and feeling like it just wasn’t good enough.

While writing this, I was planning to list out the several messages I feel God might be saying but they all flopped together into one message so I guess that would be it. Here’s me in my best impression of God’s voice:

“Jes, everything that you have done, is mediocre. The growth you have experienced? Average. The size of your heart for others? So-so. The beauty of your artwork? Eh, it’s alright I guess. What you have done in the past 2 years is nothing compared to the splendor of the King. Don’t despair, you wouldn’t even be able to imagine the great plans I have for you, not in fame and pleasure, but in treasures worth more. Nothing that you ever do can outweigh what I am.”

Digressing a little, I sometimes wonder if this is just me putting myself down because I don’t want to set myself some high expectations. But man, mediocre? I wouldn’t even tell myself that. In fact, I would say that I’ve done fairly well, I had some thoughts, kept my fire going and even sparked conversation and got a few likes on Facebook. Not bad right? Who else would be it be but God?

So I wonder why God called me mediocre, what’s up with the harsh words? After lots of random pondering, I realized the only one that was judging, was myself. There, God is telling me that there are greater things to come, but here I am feeling sorry for myself for not doing a good enough job. Talk about self centered vanity. Hear the air from my deflating ego and pride?



So I am mediocre. And embracing the mediocre life – the lack of luxury, the crushed self esteem and the unimpressive fruits of my labour – is about the best thing that I could ever ask for because nothing in this life would ever be able to be better than that state of being somewhat connected to God.

I can’t outdo God when I am the only one competing.

An argument started between the disciples about which of them was the greatest. Jesus knew what thoughts were going through their minds, and he took a little child and set him by his side and then said to them, ‘Anyone who welcomes this little child in my name welcomes me; and anyone who welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me. For the least among you all, that is the one who is great.’ John spoke up. ‘Master,’ he said ‘we saw a man casting out devils in your name, and because he is not with us we tried to stop him.’ But Jesus said to him, ‘You must not stop him: anyone who is not against you is for you.’
Luke 9:46-50

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