Silence can easily become boredom. No wifi, no games, no conversations, no church work, and in my case, I banned myself from drawing for the first 4 days.
What is life without the things I cling to everyday? Who am I without my constant identifiers ‘chocolate, design and sports’? Who was I separated from my relationships?
If I am based on anything really solid (i.e. God) taking away any gift would not change the person I am. I would not cry in despair when I am struck down by someone’s words, I would not feel lost and empty.
Am I living in a lie?
Bothered as I was, I stumbled into a labyrinth.
I always enjoyed those tall hedged mazes you run around in trying to find its center. Harry Potter made it a little scary but somehow the idea of it was always exciting. Looking for a through path, running away from dead ends and taking a chance on a path based on how your gut feels. A maze is not so much about outwitting it, it seems to be more about perseverance and will.
This maze is a little different though. It’s a complex circular maze with detours, twist and turns, but there are no dead ends, no forks and there is only one way. So, Whatever feels like a dead end, or when walking away from the centre, we just have to walk on, there is only one way and turning back would be pointless.
Enough about these grand philosophies of life I love appreciating!
I stood at the start, and told God what I wanted to get rid of, the lack of trust, my narrow blinded self, and the need to know Gods plan.
I walked on telling him what I feel like I’m looking for. For peace and all that good stuff you would say if you’re talking to yourself in the middle of a grass patch with nothing else to do. What struck me was how at each point, I had a different perspective of my surroundings, I had a different view of my goal in the center, but my job is just to walk forward. I can be at a different point physically and a different perspective but I’m still me.
I ran out of things to say and I forgot the words in my favourite verse pro3:5-6. I reached the center and celebrated! Then I felt so tired and bored of celebrating who I am. I wanted to celebrate others.
I walked out telling God what I had to offer. There is something quite magical when you stand on a rock amidst small stones and declare “I surrender all I got”.
The labyrinth was a charcoal pill to a tummy ache. I’m sure I could contemplate a little longer but it seemed like I had to move forward. I felt lifted and was excited for the next few days where I could sit in hope. (:
“Be certain, he wishes to speak with you”, Fr Olivier said in the Monday homily.